Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter XX

A mighty army of literally scores of soldiers clad in gleaming armour was arrayed before the foreboding walls of Suno, the great capital of the Swadian kingdom. The city’s defenders bristled on the ramparts like the spines of an immense hedgehog made from steel, its towers and gates rising from the earth like huge cliffs of stone, banners and flags fluttered in the breeze like enormous scraps of cloth on sticks.


Asgarth surveyed the scene before him, his heroic jaw square with determination and lack of fear. “We shall storm these walls and raze this fair city to the ground, and the Swadian curs will run from our blades like lambs fleeing the deadly scythe of the shepherd,” he breathed.

The men around him quivered with fear as the attack trumpets sounded to signal the start of the assault, but Asgarth felt no fear. “Come, my loyal band of warriors,” he triumphalised. “Charge!”

They clambered as a single great mass onto the ladders they had propped against the city walls, storming up to the ramparts as men fell left and right to arrows of the defending archers and fell screaming to a horrible death below. The air was filled with the stench of blood and sweat and piss, with body parts flying everywhere in confusion, detached from their owners for the rest of time, and steel flashing in the bright sunlight as it sliced through arms and legs and faces.


But it was to no avail. The ramparts held as the attackers fell into great carrion piles below the walls, heaped bodies of men who mere hours before had laughed and joked and loved as only men can who know that the hour of their death is near. “Retreat!” cried Asgarth, his tunic claret with the blood of his foes, seeing that the situation was hopeless. He ran down the ladder and back to the siege positions, only to see that everyone in his entire warband was dead.


“This is bullshit!” screamed Asgarth with a fury that shuddered even the distant mountains, and he decided to retire from adventuring and romance and go and find a quiet teaching job in the distant land of D’Urhám instead.

FIN

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter XIX

And so our hero found a caravan of Sarranid merchants in the south, and rode them down, and put them to the sword to the last man, woman and camel, and stole their chattels and money, and left their broken bodies littering the parched desert sands, and returned with his merry band to Sargoth, where King Ragnar was not impressed and told him to stop behaving like an arsehole. “This is bullshit,” muttered Asgarth, lowering his voice respectfully in the regal presence of the king.

“But I see that your fame is spreading,” conceded King Ragnar. “Thus do I confer unto you, my loyal follower, the fiefdom of Mechin. You are to have all its lands and resources to dispose of as you see fit, and you are to be the liege lord of its occupants. May you treat them with compassion and justice.”


“Thanks,” rendered Asgarth.

“One more thing,” promulgated King Ragnar. “We’re about to declare war on the Swadians. Our marshal, Jarl Aedin, wishes to raise an army of all the lords and march on Suno and put it to the torch. Asgarth, lord of Mechin,” he emitted, leaning close and placing a firm hand on the hero’s shoulder, looking him in the eye with a gaze of regal steel, “will you join us?”

“All right,” expressed Asgarth, his chest swelling with pride at being asked to join the king on his campaign. He was definitely on the right track now.

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter XVIII

Sad and angry at the failure of his heroic plans, pining for the lovely Lady Kaeteli, Asgarth returned shame-faced to Sargoth. At a feast at the royal castle he happened upon Jarl Gearth, one of the leading nobles of the land.


“Well do I see,” whispered Jarl Gearth to Asgarth, taking him aside, “that thy heroic heart suffers as does mine under this weighty burden of peace. Men such as we can profit little in such times. Thus do I suggest that we provoke a war with the Sarranids, and thereby open a fresh path to glory and renown.”

“Good idea,” complied Asgarth.

“Excellent,” glowered Jarl Gearth. “Go and attack a Sarranid caravan somewhere near their borders, and make it known who was responsible, and such an outrage will surely provoke war.”

"The king won't like it," cautioned Asgarth.

"The king can suck the spiny tendrils of the demented nymph-beast of the mountains of Lazaroth!"

The two men laughed lustily together, guffawing and slapping each other’s backs in a masculine fashion, as they hatched their scheme.

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter XVII

As he led his victorious band of adventurers and misfits out of the sandy wastes, Asgarth encountered a caravan of traders who informed the hero that the sea raiders he had been hired to vanquish some weeks before had been espied far to the north, on the rocky coast of the Vaegir Kingdom.

“Forsooth,” commented Asgarth manfully. “Three days will bring us to Rivacheg, where I can finally vanquish the foe whom I am pledged to vanquish, and collect the reward which is my due.”

“But my lord,” breathed Rolf, “The contract expires in three days. What if thou dost not find the sea raiders at once?”

Asgarth unsheathed his long, mighty weapon and waved its naked length in Rolf’s face, who cowered in terror. “Do thou obey me or face the consequences!” he exclaimed.

Thus Asgarth charged across the hills and valleys and mountain passes of the Khergit Khanate unto the lands of the Vaegirs, lo! to the very gates of Rivacheg, and from there tracked down the roving sea raiders who had eluded him so long.

Soon did he find them, and pursued them unto their beachy lair, where their longships were loaded with their ill-gotten gains. “Now shall ye pay the price for thy murdering and plundering ways!” gasped Asgarth, charging upon the terrified sea raiders with his loyal warriors, murdering and plundering them.


The battle was swift as Asgarth swung his blade left and right, chopping off arms and legs and faces in an orgy of corporeal demolition, blood flying everywhere and seeping into the thirsting earth. When it was all over he stood joyfully amongst the crumpled remnants of his enemies. “At last we can now collect my reward!” he guffawed.

“Not really, my lord,” lamented Rolf. “The contract expired a few hours ago.”

“This is bullshit,” muttered Asgarth, gazing out across the limitless blue expanse of the Endless Ocean, towards his distant home.

*

DISCLAIMER

Imagine my horror when I visited the pictures the other day in order to see new the big screen adaptation of The A-Team, something I've been eagerly anticipating for about twenty years, only to discover that Bosco "B.A." Baracus had been given a new catchphrase which I swear did not appear in the original TV show: "This is bullshit!"

I was so mad I threw my pick 'n' mix bag at the screen, but I was still mad so I got up and punched the screen, and then I was escorted out.

Given that I don't believe in coincidences, the only possible explanation is that some production crew member on the movie read my Asgarth stories and decided to steal Asgarth's catchphrase. I know the movie was probably finished before I wrote any of my Asgarth epic, but they can do wonders these days with digital technology. If they can retrofit a 2D movie into 3D, they can insert a few catchphrases they stole off someone's blog.

I'm not threatening court action or anything, but it's definitely a possibility. This genuinely is bullshit.

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter XVI

“This is bullshit,” uttered Asgarth as he gazed across the flaccid deserts of the south. They had seen neither man nor beast except camels for two days as they trekked across the seemingly endless expanses of sand, like a massive beach or an ocean without the water, that lay between the cities and villages of the Sarranid Sultanate. Their food had run out and they had no liquid sustenance.

“I’m hungry,” whined Rolf. He was a supposed hero whom Asgarth had found in a tavern and hired before leaving Sargoth. The first thing Rolf had done was ask to borrow 300 denars to buy back an heirloom he’d pawned, but he probably just spent it on drink and gambling, which was bullshit.

“Shut up!” cried Asgarth, spinning around on his saddle, his rippling torso gleaming in the shimmering heat of the midday sun, in order to face in Rolf’s direction. “Look, there’s a castle on the next dune!”


They rode to the castle but nobody was home except a few guards who ignored Asgarth, so they left again. Next they came to a remote village which was being plagued by bandits. Asgarth heroically offered to defeat the bandits for them, which he did, and then rather less heroically demanded that the villagers give him all their food and chattels or he would burn their houses.

As they rode away from the village back into the desert, their bags weighed down with precious booty, Asgarth addressed his warband. “This is bullshit,” he remarked. “Let’s go somewhere else to seek my fortune.”

Thus did the hero take his leave of the Sarranid lands.

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter XV

Greatly was Asgarth perturbed by the sudden outbreak of peace in the Kingdom of the Nords. He pondered upon the news for a slew of moments before he came to his decision.

“Alas,” said he, “but a war-dog such as myself will profit little in peace-time. Therefore I must seek my fortune elsewhere.”

Thus with downturned heart he rode into the foothills of the western mountains, to the gates of Castle Hrus. After much entreatying, he was finally admitted into the castle for an audience with his beloved Lady Kaeteli.

She stood resplendent in a gown of velvet and taffeta, with a hem decorated with gems and lace, covered in a long overtunic called a bliaud, which was in turn covered by a mantel which was trimmed with expensive fur and pinned at the shoulder with a brooch. She wore shoes designed for castle wear made of silk and leather and fitted with a buckle. Her plaited her was covered by a guimpe, which is a piece of silk or linen drapped and pinned over the hair, wrapped around the throat and tucked into the neckline of the gown. She also wore a hat with a sort of band around it.

“Forsooth, my love,” emitted Asgarth, “but I must leave this kingdom. I intend to travel far to the south, to the endless deserts of the Sarranid Sultanate, to win my fortune and then, if the gods smile upon me, your heart.”

Lady Kaeteli looked unto him with eyes like sapphires glittering in the midsummer dusk. “Who are you again?” she asked, her ruby lips parting like luscious strawberries.

“This is bullshit,” complained Asgarth, and left.

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter XIV

At the royal city of Sargoth, truly the gem of cities, rising above the coast like a great gathering of buildings, Asgarth paused to take rest. But he did not tarry there long, because he received much mockery for fleeing from Count Deglan, and Jarl Bulba even called him a frightened chicken. Thus, his heroic heart convulsing with shame, Asgarth left once more.

“I shall never yield to the rampant vagaries of fate,” he uttered defiantly. No doubt the fair Lady Kaeteli would admire his resolutedness! He galloped far to the west once again, to the Swadian village of Gisim which he had looted and pillaged in the recent past.

The surviving villagers were trying to rebuild their shattered lives, having finally buried their departed loved ones. The pens were filling once again with cattle, the roofs of their humble peasant dwellings bedecked in fresh thatch. Asgarth felt a tear stir his manly eyes as he gazed upon their simple, honest fortitudiness.


But he quickly wiped the tear away. Little did it befit a true warrior to weep for his foe. “Forward, my valiant companions!” he screamed to what was left of his warband. “Leave no survivors!” Then he added quickly, “Except the ones you take prisoner, which is as many as possible!”

Shortly afterwards, as Asgarth stood amidst the burning wreckage and corpses of what was once Gisim, a messenger rode unto him. “What is it?” snarled Asgarth as the messenger approached. “For we are about the business of war!”


“Our great King Ragnar has made peace with the Swadians!” the messenger announced. “The war is over!”

“This is bullshit,” implicated Asgarth. What a stupid waste of time.

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter XIII

Agarth led his warband and his train of Swadian slaves deep into the lands of the Nords, high up a steep pass at the head of which, like a crown of stone upon a mountainous head of rock, towered Castle Hrus, stronghold of Jarl Harald and home to his beloved Lady Kaeteli.

“She isn’t interested,” shouted the guard when they arrived. “Clear off.”


“This is bullshit,” yelled Asgarth in return, and decided to retain his dignity and ride away. Yet the great warrior was not downcast in his heart. Perhaps a dozen Swadian slaves were not enough to impress so refined a lady, he mused. Therefore I shall bring her two dozen.

He rode to the east for many days until he came upon a different stretch of the Swadian borderlands overlooking the village of Ryibelet. “Behold!” he breathed to his men. “Let us ride forth upon the Swadian foe, and slaughter him, and hear the lamentation of his women, which is surely the finest of musical forms which can please the ears of the valiant!”

Thus they charged and pillaged the village, and were doing quite well when one of Asgarth’s men announced, “Alas, I see Count Deglan of Swadia beriding unto us, with approximately 115 men-at-arms!”

“Bollocks,” cursed Asgarth, whose warband at this point still numbered a mere twenty or so. “You there,” he ordered, pointing at ten of his men, “you stay and hold them off. The rest follow me!”


As half his warband prepared to surrender their lives in a valiant attempt to save their lord, Asgarth led a no less valiant retreat from the village. “This is bullshit,” he complained as he galloped over the hills with the remainder of his warband, his mind burning with the icy sensation of shame. Now he had no prisoners at all. He would never win his fair maiden at this rate.

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter XII

For many days Asgarth and his retinue galloped to the west, following the rocky coastline of the Nordic lands, the crashing grey-blue of the Endless Ocean colliding with the solid mass of the mainland, sea foam roaring heavenwards like fountains of water from the mouth of a terrible beast of legend.

Eventually they came upon the Swadian borderlands. Far off in the distance Asgarth did witness a village by the name of Gisim, a peaceful hamlet of farmers and milkmaids. “Behold, my bold warriors,” enunciated the great hero. “Our first moment of glory awaits!”


As one the heroic band galloped upon the unsuspecting villagers, slaying them left, right and centre, throwing burning brands onto the thatch roofs of their miserable hovels, driving the cattle from their pens, until the earth was awash with the crimson life-fluid of the peasants and the air black with the ash of their burning homes.

Truly a great victory, thought Asgarth after two days of pillage and death. He rallied his men, gathered their booty and set in hot pursuit of those few peasants who had escaped the slaughter and were heading to the mountains.

After some miles he rode them down and a brief battle ensued. At the end of it his men stood cheering and triumphalising over the prostrate forms of their victims, most of them still alive. “Bind those Swadian curs,” snarled Asgarth at his men. “We shall ride in glory to Castle Hrus, where I shall offer our captive slaves to Lady Kaeteli as a token of my deep and sincere affection. If this doesn’t impress her, I don’t know what will.”

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter XI

Once the forces of the Nords were once again victorious and Jarl Harald had once again ignored Asgarth, which was bullshit considering that Asgarth had just been knocked unconscious three times while trying to help him win a battle, Asgarth returned to the royal city of Sargoth to recover from his wounds. While there he was engaged in conversation by a drunk.

“You are Asgarth the Invincible, are you not?” verbalised the drunk.


“Aye aye, I am he,” confirmed Asgarth, looking him in the eye.

“I thought so!” recommenced the drunk. “It is much spoken of abroad how you aspire to the heart of the Lady Kaeteli. The best way to impress ladies, you know, is to give them presents.”

“Keep her blessed name from thy peasant lips!” stated Asgarth, drawing his sword and cleaving the drunk’s skull in twain.


“He may have a point,” he ruminated as the deceased’s dead body crumpled to the floor, lifeless. “I shall shower my love with the most precious commodity money can buy - people!”

Rousing his men, he strode forthwith from the crimson-stained floor of that den of iniquitousness. “Sire, whither do we ride?” enquired one of their number.

“We ride to the west!” trumpeted Asgarth.

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter X

Asgarth regained conciousness and found himself being dragged from the blood-saturated battleground by his warband. “Let me go!” he bemoaned.

“You are injured, sire, and thy noble steed is slain!” they expiated.

“You can shove my steed up thy arse!” expressed Asgarth, writhing free from their vice-like clutches. He rose and charged back into the fray on foot, waving his sword valiantly as he uttered blood-churning death-cries.

Soon he awoke once more to find himself being dragged from the battleground by his warband. “What happened?” he queried angrily.

“Ye were knocked out once more, my liege,” mouthed one of their number. “Thy health is very low.”

“Let me go, thou scurrilous sewer rat whore of a bitch!” growled Asgarth, escaping their hands and charging afresh into the battle.

Not long afterwards he awoke to find himself being dragged from the battleground. “Was I knocked out again?” he expressed. “By the gods of the Jurellian Temple, it is fortunate that heroes such as I apparently cannot be slain, only knocked out.”

“By my troth, sire, thou art greatly blessed in this way,” guffawed one of his men-at-arms a moment before an enemy arrow came from nowhere and plunged into his open mouth, killing him.

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter IX

It was a bitter moon that glowered upon Asgarth as he rode astride his valiant mount through the yawning gates of Sargoth, his band of loyal adventurers close behind. Many days had they spent in pursuit of the ignoble sea raiders, but to no avail. If he was to win the voluminous heart of Lady Kaeteli, he would have to explore fresh fields of glory.

As Asgarth left the city he saw another mighty fracas underway in the plain below, an invading force of Swadians in pitched battle against the nobles of the Nords - including none other than Jarl Harald, father of Asgarth’s beloved. “Now I may prove my love for his pulchritudinous offspring!” exhaled Asgarth vigourously. Spurring his steed forth, he betrod the shadow of doom once again, plunging into hell-fury like a demon unleashed by the death-dealing forces of Hades.

As he charged his mount into the depths of the Swadian lines, Asgarth realised he had left his men behind and was now surrounded by dozens of enemies, thirsting for his beating life-blood. “By the peaks of Gahalala,” he gasped as his mount was pierced by a ten-foot-long pike and crashed whinnying to the ground, writhing in the throes of equine mortality.

No sooner was his horse dispatched than the Swadian foe turned their attention to its rider, and launched upon Asgarth’s fallen form like a pack of ravenous blood-wolves from the misty Mountains of K’Shah’a, where the sun rises but once a year, and the valleys are steeped in a total blackness of the sort which now came over Asgarth’s awareness, though not before he uttered a furious, “This is bullshit...”

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter VIII

Presently, as Asgarth sat nursing a flagon of ale and his bruised self-confidence in the tavern, a stranger approached him. “If ye seek gainful employment,” he expatiated, “the lands around here have been plagued by a gang of sea raiders of late. Perhaps ye can raise a squadron of mercenaries and hunt them down, and thus win glory and renown.”

“Aye,” verbalised Asgarth, rising with newfound vigour. “This shall be my path to glory and fame indeed, and will win me the fair heart of Kaeteli much better than a stupid bullshit tournament!”

Hiring some hired swords, he left Sargoth and went in search of the rasculous sea raiders of whom the man had spoken, who had promised a bulbous reward if they should be slain by the hero’s keen blade-edge, which sang with the thirst for blood, within two months.

Seven days and nights did Asgarth and his men hunt the sea raiders, chasing them unto as far as the snowy stretches of the Vaegir borderlands, before he fell upon them and slew them to a man. Two of Asgarth’s mercenaries died a noble death.

In joy Asgarth returned on the long road to Sargoth and went to the tavern. “I have slain the miscreants,” he conveyed.

“Those weren’t the ones I meant,” said the man.

So Asgarth betook his men and once more ranged the length and breadth of the borderlands until they came upon another clutch of sea raiders, and destroyed them. In exultation Asgarth returned on the long road to Sargoth and went to the tavern. “I have slain the miscreants,” he perorated.

“Those weren’t the ones I meant,” said the man.

A third time did Asgarth brave the hostile expanses of the borderlands, after many days finding another band of sea raiders, exterminating them. In delectation Asgarth returned on the long road to Sargoth and went to the tavern. “I have slain the miscreants,” he recited.

“Those weren’t the ones I meant,” said the man.

“This is fucking bullshit,” declaimed Asgarth, and left the tavern.

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter VII

Asgarth came unto Lady Kaeteli and bowed deeply. “My lady,” he expressed. “I am Asgarth the Invincible. Allow me to declare myself thy ardent admirer.”

“No thanks,” quoth Kaeteli, her voice a rush of honey into the hero’s ears. He sadly vacated the feast and exited the castle onto the streets of Sargoth. “This is bullshit,” he muttered, his heart aching a thousandfold at the fair maiden’s rejection. “I shall must needs endeavour to win her then,” he asserted to himself.

There was a tournament underway in Sargoth at that time, whither all the greatest warriors of the land had conglomerated in order to prove their might and win the favour of a lady. Asgarth approached the arena and entered himself as a contestant. My victory here will surely secure her good graces, he pondered.

Unfortunately he should have changed his name from Asgarth the Invincible to Asgarth the Vincible, for the other fighters were a lot stronger and better at fighting than he, who was soon lying in the dust of the arena, covered in bruises and blood. “This is bullshit,” he growled, spitting sand out of his mouth.

After he recovered from his wounds, Asgarth advanced upon the royal castle inside Sargoth. “I desire to speak unto the Lady Kaeteli,” he explained to the guard at the front gate.

“She isn’t interested,” the guard countered.

Asgarth shuffled away in anger. “This is bullshit,” he muttered, heading for the tavern, where he might drown his misfortunes. This wasn’t how he had imagined the adventuring life at all.

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter VI

In the royal city of Sargoth, the gabled roofs of whom thrust high into the air like the spires of mighty buildings, Asgarth heard that King Ragnar was holding a great feast in celebration of his victory over the Swadian foe. Luckily it was surprisingly easy to walk through the front gate of the castle and join the great nobles of the land in their revelry, which is what Asgarth did.

At the head of the table was King Ragnar, bedecked in ermine and clad in furs and sleeves of silk, his crown glistening upon his head.

“Mighty king,” proclaimed Asgarth, bowing. “I come to offer you my sword as your loyal vassal.”

“No thanks,” promulgated King Ragnar. “I don’t need your help right now.”

This is bullshit, muttered Asgarth, but under his breath so as not to cause offence. Across the room he saw Jarl Harald, whom he approached. “It is I, Asgarth the Invincible, my lord. Sorry I failed thee before. Mightest thou have another task for me?”

“No,” uttered Harald, but Asgarth did not hear. His eyes had been caught by a vision of beauty beside Jarl Harald. It was the Lady Kaeteli, Jarl Harald’s daughter, the most renowned beauty in the kingdom.

Her hair was flaxen blond, her cheeks like porcelain with a taint of rose, her lips full and sensuous like a blossom on a sweltering summer’s day, her neck graceful and soft like a swan.

“Alas, my heart is slain,” mouthed Asgarth to himself. “For on this day I have met the fair maiden whom I shall one day make my betrothed.”

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter V

Asgarth hung around the mighty clash of armies for a while, curious to see who would get the upper hand. Reinforcements rushed from both sides, Nord and Swadian noblemen and common soldiers alike rushing to die horribly in the name of their respective kings. Eventually, after what seemed like an eternity of pain and senseless slaughter, the Swadian invaders broke and ran to the south.

“Hurrah!” rejoiced Asgarth, wishing he had been allowed to join in like the hero he truly was.

He rode down into the field of battle, now strewn with the detritus of battle, broken men and horses, limbs and body parts scattered across the grass and shrubs like confetti after a particularly violent wedding, the cries of injured and dying men a perverse chorus to the bride that was Death and her husband, Lamentation.

Not far distant he espied the banner of Jarl Gundur, a great noble of the north. “Hail ye well met,” Asgarth announced as he rode unto him. “I am Asgarth the Invincible, sire, an adventurer come to this land in search of fame and glory. Hast thou need of such a man in your war-band?”

“My losses this day were terrible indeed,” enunciated Gundur, shaking his weary head in a tired fashion, surveying the corpse-encrusted land before him. “Aye, I will take thee under my banner, Asgarth the Invincible.”


Thus did Asgarth join Gundur’s war-band.

Pausing only to bury the dead, Gundur’s force betook itself from the field of slaughter, heading into the Swadian borderlands. For three days and nights they rode back and forth, from town to village, but nobody would tell Asgarth what they were looking for.

On the fourth day still nothing had happened. Asgarth had joined a war-band expecting to see some war, not so he could have a horse-holiday with a group of sweaty men. “This is bullshit,” he muttered, and left Gundur’s war-band for the direction of the royal city of Sargoth, where he had been heading in the first place before all this bullshit happened.

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter IV

Far did Asgarth ride to the east, through the great forests of the northern lands, unto the royal city of Sargoth. But hardly had he reached the great bridge over the river of K’Lód leading towards that city when he did espy in the distance a mighty battle underway, many hundreds of banners fluttering in the breeze like flags, cries of death and slaughter carried upon the wind like birdsong to his warrior-ears.

“At last,” he gasped, “the Swadian king has invaded this kingdom! Perhaps now I can prove my mettle!” He spurred his flaxen mount onwards, roaring a battle cry.

Ten minutes later he stopped roaring because his throat was sore, and the battle was much farther away than he had thought. He cantered a while longer and came upon some troops of Jarl Reamold, ready to enter the fray.

“Hello”, Asgarth greeted them. “May I join you in this noble carnage?”

“No,” they said.

“Why not?”

“Because,” they snarled, and galloped off into the riot of violence unfurling in the distance.

“This is bullshit,” grumbled Asgarth.

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter III

An epic battle along the dirt road of the village ensued, but unfortunately the murderer was a lot stronger and better at fighting than Asgarth, who was soon left unconscious in the street. When he awoke, covered in his own blood, the murdered had fled far, no man knew whither. “This is bullshit,” muttered Asgarth, dusting himself off.

Mounting his steed, Asgarth heading back across the hills to seek out Jarl Harald and deliver unto him the fateful tidings. As he passed the royal city of Sargoth, he was set upon once again by sea raiders.

In moments he was in chains once more. “This is bullshit,” he muttered as the sea raiders dragged him around the country for two days. Eventually, seeing his chance, he escaped their clutches, took his horse and continued anew upon his quest.

He came to the presence of Jarl Harald. “I have failed thee,” he commiserated. “The killer is escaped.”

“That is a disappointment,” said Jarl Harald.

“Hast thou perhaps another quest by which I might prove my mettle?”

Jarl Harald thought a moment. “No,” he said.

“This is bullshit,” muttered Asgarth as he walked away. He would just have to find another lord, again.

Mount and Blade fan fic

Apparently I'm not the first person to attempt Mount & Blade fan fiction. I found this example on a forum.

Sharow stood on the hill looking down at the field of battle. She watched the river of blood draining down the valley wondering if it was enough to drown those few still alive. She wished there moans and screams would soon be silenced so she could think.The thought didn't even take her by surprise. So few of her men had fallen that none of those pain filled voices could come from any one but those who had tried to kill her. She never wished pain on anyone but nor did she feel the need to be sorry for those who brought it on them selves.

"A grate victory" the voice cut across her thoughts and she looked up to see nazir "you must have been deep in though to let me sneak up on you like that" he finished seeing the look in her eyes. She silently reprimanded her self before smiling back up at the man.

"Yes" she said "I don't think even you expected this when you signed on" none of us did she thought as he sat down next to her.

"Maybe not this but i could see you where going to lead us to grate things" he paused looking up at her as she sat to join him "just how grate remains to be seen"

Epic.

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter II

Asgarth delivered the letter and returned to Jarl Harald later that day. “I have completed the quest upon which you had set it upon me to complete,” enunciated Asgarth, bowing to his new liege-lord. “What fresh task might I accomplish in your name?”

“There is a murderer loose,” said Jarl Harald, stroking his long fair beard. “I charge you to hunt him down for me and do unto him the justice he deserves.”

This is a bit more like it, thought Asgarth. At least I might get to kill someone. He mounted up and set off across the dry-sunned expanse of rolling grasslands that is the Kingdom of the Nords. If I complete this task, he considered, perhaps Jarl Harald will take me into his warband and I could see some real adventuring instead of all this bullshit.

Not half a day-length had Asgarth ridden when he was set upon by sea raiders, roaming the country in search of victims. “Halt, knave!” the lead sea raider expressed.

Before Asgarth knew what was happening, he was overpowered and cast in chains. “This is bullshit,” he muttered as the sea raiders dragged him around the country for two days. Eventually, seeing his chance, he escaped their clutches, took his horse and continued anew upon his quest.

As night fell he came to the village whither the murderer was said to have fled. “Hail ye,” Asgarth announced towards the village elder as he rode into the village, recognising the village elder by his long white beard. “I seek a murderer who is hiding among you.”

“It’s dark,” said the village elder. “Come back when it’s day.”

“This is bullshit,” roared Asgarth, but withdrew and camped outside the village. He tried to read the only book in his possession but couldn’t work out how. At dawn he re-entered into the village. “Hail ye,” Asgarth announced towards the village elder again. “I seek a murderer who is hiding among you.”

“He’s probably skulking around here somewhere,” said the village elder. Whereupon Asgarth investigated a cabbage patch behind a house, which is where he had learned murderers tended to conceal themselves. Sure enough he found a murderer. “I mean to bring you to justice,” Asgarth snarled, drawing his sword.