This is the official blurb:
In a land torn asunder by incessant warfare, it is time to assemble your own band of hardened warriors and enter the fray. Lead your men into battle, expand your realm, and claim the ultimate prize: the throne of Calradia!
Sounds fun, I thought, so I entered the fray. Unfortunately the game strives towards a certain level of difficulty and realism (no magic, thank god), so it's turning out to be a humbling experience for my heroic alter-ego, Asgarth the Invincible. To make myself less guilty about playing a video game I've decided to chronicle his valiant efforts to achieve fame and fortune.
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The Adventures of Asgarth the Invincible
Chapter I
The Adventures of Asgarth the Invincible
Chapter I
Asgarth the Invincible, heir to the throne of Azoria, had come to the Kingdom of the Nords to seek high adventure and low romance, not to waste his time loitering outside an empty castle. “This is bullshit,” he muttered.
There was nothing for it but to ride back across the stupid Kingdom of the Nords in search of a lord who couldn’t even be bothered to stay in his own stupid castle. Asgarth mounted his mount and spurred it back across the grassy steppes of the north. A whole day wasted. This is bullshit, he thought. It’s as bullshitty as that time I came out of the tavern in the royal city of Sargoth and saw that my horse had disappeared. This is even more bullshit than that.
At length, as the flaming orblet of the sun completed yet another weary day-course, Asgarth came upon a large conglomeration of behorsed lance-warriors. He recognised the banner of Jarl Harald, one of the mightiest nobility of the Nords. Unfazed, he arode to the head of the column and saluted Jarl Harald. Perhaps this lord will take me into his service instead, he mused. “I am Asgarth the Invincible, noble adventurer. What would you have of me, my lord?”
Jarl Harald gazed him up and down. “Aye, I have a quest for thee, Asgarth,” he betoned. He reached into his jerkin and pulled out something. “Deliver this letter for me.”
This is bullshit, muttered Asgarth in his mind. But he took the letter and stuffed it in his pocket. “I will complete this quest for you, my liege; I will brave the loftiest peaks of the Vaegir Kingdom, the broadest deserts of the south, until this blessed token rests in the hands of him to whom it is intended.”
With these words he turned his mount, his valiant hair flowing in the freshing breeze, and betook himself across the plain.
There was nothing for it but to ride back across the stupid Kingdom of the Nords in search of a lord who couldn’t even be bothered to stay in his own stupid castle. Asgarth mounted his mount and spurred it back across the grassy steppes of the north. A whole day wasted. This is bullshit, he thought. It’s as bullshitty as that time I came out of the tavern in the royal city of Sargoth and saw that my horse had disappeared. This is even more bullshit than that.
At length, as the flaming orblet of the sun completed yet another weary day-course, Asgarth came upon a large conglomeration of behorsed lance-warriors. He recognised the banner of Jarl Harald, one of the mightiest nobility of the Nords. Unfazed, he arode to the head of the column and saluted Jarl Harald. Perhaps this lord will take me into his service instead, he mused. “I am Asgarth the Invincible, noble adventurer. What would you have of me, my lord?”
Jarl Harald gazed him up and down. “Aye, I have a quest for thee, Asgarth,” he betoned. He reached into his jerkin and pulled out something. “Deliver this letter for me.”
This is bullshit, muttered Asgarth in his mind. But he took the letter and stuffed it in his pocket. “I will complete this quest for you, my liege; I will brave the loftiest peaks of the Vaegir Kingdom, the broadest deserts of the south, until this blessed token rests in the hands of him to whom it is intended.”
With these words he turned his mount, his valiant hair flowing in the freshing breeze, and betook himself across the plain.
The Jarl didn't say where the letter was going. This is bullshit.
ReplyDeleteI forgot who it was addressed to. Some other Jarl. It doesn't matter, stop nitpicking.
ReplyDeleteBullshit.
ReplyDelete