Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter XIX

And so our hero found a caravan of Sarranid merchants in the south, and rode them down, and put them to the sword to the last man, woman and camel, and stole their chattels and money, and left their broken bodies littering the parched desert sands, and returned with his merry band to Sargoth, where King Ragnar was not impressed and told him to stop behaving like an arsehole. “This is bullshit,” muttered Asgarth, lowering his voice respectfully in the regal presence of the king.

“But I see that your fame is spreading,” conceded King Ragnar. “Thus do I confer unto you, my loyal follower, the fiefdom of Mechin. You are to have all its lands and resources to dispose of as you see fit, and you are to be the liege lord of its occupants. May you treat them with compassion and justice.”


“Thanks,” rendered Asgarth.

“One more thing,” promulgated King Ragnar. “We’re about to declare war on the Swadians. Our marshal, Jarl Aedin, wishes to raise an army of all the lords and march on Suno and put it to the torch. Asgarth, lord of Mechin,” he emitted, leaning close and placing a firm hand on the hero’s shoulder, looking him in the eye with a gaze of regal steel, “will you join us?”

“All right,” expressed Asgarth, his chest swelling with pride at being asked to join the king on his campaign. He was definitely on the right track now.

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter XVIII

Sad and angry at the failure of his heroic plans, pining for the lovely Lady Kaeteli, Asgarth returned shame-faced to Sargoth. At a feast at the royal castle he happened upon Jarl Gearth, one of the leading nobles of the land.


“Well do I see,” whispered Jarl Gearth to Asgarth, taking him aside, “that thy heroic heart suffers as does mine under this weighty burden of peace. Men such as we can profit little in such times. Thus do I suggest that we provoke a war with the Sarranids, and thereby open a fresh path to glory and renown.”

“Good idea,” complied Asgarth.

“Excellent,” glowered Jarl Gearth. “Go and attack a Sarranid caravan somewhere near their borders, and make it known who was responsible, and such an outrage will surely provoke war.”

"The king won't like it," cautioned Asgarth.

"The king can suck the spiny tendrils of the demented nymph-beast of the mountains of Lazaroth!"

The two men laughed lustily together, guffawing and slapping each other’s backs in a masculine fashion, as they hatched their scheme.

Max Richter, Vladimir's Blues

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter XVII

As he led his victorious band of adventurers and misfits out of the sandy wastes, Asgarth encountered a caravan of traders who informed the hero that the sea raiders he had been hired to vanquish some weeks before had been espied far to the north, on the rocky coast of the Vaegir Kingdom.

“Forsooth,” commented Asgarth manfully. “Three days will bring us to Rivacheg, where I can finally vanquish the foe whom I am pledged to vanquish, and collect the reward which is my due.”

“But my lord,” breathed Rolf, “The contract expires in three days. What if thou dost not find the sea raiders at once?”

Asgarth unsheathed his long, mighty weapon and waved its naked length in Rolf’s face, who cowered in terror. “Do thou obey me or face the consequences!” he exclaimed.

Thus Asgarth charged across the hills and valleys and mountain passes of the Khergit Khanate unto the lands of the Vaegirs, lo! to the very gates of Rivacheg, and from there tracked down the roving sea raiders who had eluded him so long.

Soon did he find them, and pursued them unto their beachy lair, where their longships were loaded with their ill-gotten gains. “Now shall ye pay the price for thy murdering and plundering ways!” gasped Asgarth, charging upon the terrified sea raiders with his loyal warriors, murdering and plundering them.


The battle was swift as Asgarth swung his blade left and right, chopping off arms and legs and faces in an orgy of corporeal demolition, blood flying everywhere and seeping into the thirsting earth. When it was all over he stood joyfully amongst the crumpled remnants of his enemies. “At last we can now collect my reward!” he guffawed.

“Not really, my lord,” lamented Rolf. “The contract expired a few hours ago.”

“This is bullshit,” muttered Asgarth, gazing out across the limitless blue expanse of the Endless Ocean, towards his distant home.

*

DISCLAIMER

Imagine my horror when I visited the pictures the other day in order to see new the big screen adaptation of The A-Team, something I've been eagerly anticipating for about twenty years, only to discover that Bosco "B.A." Baracus had been given a new catchphrase which I swear did not appear in the original TV show: "This is bullshit!"

I was so mad I threw my pick 'n' mix bag at the screen, but I was still mad so I got up and punched the screen, and then I was escorted out.

Given that I don't believe in coincidences, the only possible explanation is that some production crew member on the movie read my Asgarth stories and decided to steal Asgarth's catchphrase. I know the movie was probably finished before I wrote any of my Asgarth epic, but they can do wonders these days with digital technology. If they can retrofit a 2D movie into 3D, they can insert a few catchphrases they stole off someone's blog.

I'm not threatening court action or anything, but it's definitely a possibility. This genuinely is bullshit.

Pete Postlethwaite

Fate of the universe

Here's something to make you wish you never bothered getting out of bed.

BBC News: Fate of Universe revealed by galactic lens

I heard this theory years ago, that the universe seemed to be not only expanding, but accelerating as it did so, and that this would eventually distribute matter so widely that gravity would no longer be able to collapse it into stars and galaxies: the so-called Big Freeze. I remember asking Big Bruvva about it and he said frankly, "This is what will happen."

Now it seems that a Nasa-led team at JPL has got final confirmation by measuring the distortion of light from a distant galaxy through the gravitational lens of an intermediate galaxy cluster. While I doubt many cosmologists were surprised, the BBC presents it as easily the most depressing result ever produced by a scientific experiment: "[The Universe] will eventually become a cold, dead wasteland, researchers say."

The media being the media, however, this has nothing to do with the original research article published in the latest issue of Science. Here's a more prosaic account of the Nasa project from the ESA Hubble site, and another from the JPL's own site. The scientists were cheerfully "exploiting a beautiful phenomenon in nature" to tackle the great riddle of dark energy and its role in the development of the universe.

The end result, as reported in the Science article, was that they were able to reduce "the current 2σ contours on the dark energy equation of state parameter wx by about 30%," which admittedly doesn't make for a grabbing headline, but neither does it say anything directly about the fate of the universe, because that wasn't what the scientists were primarily interested in. I suspect the BBC science reporter went angling for some dramatic quotes and made up the phase "cold, dead wasteland" himself, since that is what journalists do. They do it all the time with archaeological news stories.

Ultimately, what depressed me most about this news story is not the scientific research it supposedly reported - for if we can be sure of anything, we can be sure that the fate of the universe will have absolutely zero impact on the life of any human being who ever lived or ever will live. Rather, it was the the media will do almost anything to put an emotional, negative spin on what should be an inspiring and significant scientific accomplishment.

History repeats itself

Here's a strange thing. This image is a nineteenth-century depiction of the Sack of Rome by the Goths in 410.


Here's a photo of US Marines in the centre of Baghdad in 2003.


Look at the composition of the two figures on the statue, the posture of the statue itself, the rope, even the guy at the bottom with the raised hand. Uncanny.

Less nudity in the second one, though.

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter XVI

“This is bullshit,” uttered Asgarth as he gazed across the flaccid deserts of the south. They had seen neither man nor beast except camels for two days as they trekked across the seemingly endless expanses of sand, like a massive beach or an ocean without the water, that lay between the cities and villages of the Sarranid Sultanate. Their food had run out and they had no liquid sustenance.

“I’m hungry,” whined Rolf. He was a supposed hero whom Asgarth had found in a tavern and hired before leaving Sargoth. The first thing Rolf had done was ask to borrow 300 denars to buy back an heirloom he’d pawned, but he probably just spent it on drink and gambling, which was bullshit.

“Shut up!” cried Asgarth, spinning around on his saddle, his rippling torso gleaming in the shimmering heat of the midday sun, in order to face in Rolf’s direction. “Look, there’s a castle on the next dune!”


They rode to the castle but nobody was home except a few guards who ignored Asgarth, so they left again. Next they came to a remote village which was being plagued by bandits. Asgarth heroically offered to defeat the bandits for them, which he did, and then rather less heroically demanded that the villagers give him all their food and chattels or he would burn their houses.

As they rode away from the village back into the desert, their bags weighed down with precious booty, Asgarth addressed his warband. “This is bullshit,” he remarked. “Let’s go somewhere else to seek my fortune.”

Thus did the hero take his leave of the Sarranid lands.

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter XV

Greatly was Asgarth perturbed by the sudden outbreak of peace in the Kingdom of the Nords. He pondered upon the news for a slew of moments before he came to his decision.

“Alas,” said he, “but a war-dog such as myself will profit little in peace-time. Therefore I must seek my fortune elsewhere.”

Thus with downturned heart he rode into the foothills of the western mountains, to the gates of Castle Hrus. After much entreatying, he was finally admitted into the castle for an audience with his beloved Lady Kaeteli.

She stood resplendent in a gown of velvet and taffeta, with a hem decorated with gems and lace, covered in a long overtunic called a bliaud, which was in turn covered by a mantel which was trimmed with expensive fur and pinned at the shoulder with a brooch. She wore shoes designed for castle wear made of silk and leather and fitted with a buckle. Her plaited her was covered by a guimpe, which is a piece of silk or linen drapped and pinned over the hair, wrapped around the throat and tucked into the neckline of the gown. She also wore a hat with a sort of band around it.

“Forsooth, my love,” emitted Asgarth, “but I must leave this kingdom. I intend to travel far to the south, to the endless deserts of the Sarranid Sultanate, to win my fortune and then, if the gods smile upon me, your heart.”

Lady Kaeteli looked unto him with eyes like sapphires glittering in the midsummer dusk. “Who are you again?” she asked, her ruby lips parting like luscious strawberries.

“This is bullshit,” complained Asgarth, and left.

Offa's Dyke Path (part 2)