Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter VII

Asgarth came unto Lady Kaeteli and bowed deeply. “My lady,” he expressed. “I am Asgarth the Invincible. Allow me to declare myself thy ardent admirer.”

“No thanks,” quoth Kaeteli, her voice a rush of honey into the hero’s ears. He sadly vacated the feast and exited the castle onto the streets of Sargoth. “This is bullshit,” he muttered, his heart aching a thousandfold at the fair maiden’s rejection. “I shall must needs endeavour to win her then,” he asserted to himself.

There was a tournament underway in Sargoth at that time, whither all the greatest warriors of the land had conglomerated in order to prove their might and win the favour of a lady. Asgarth approached the arena and entered himself as a contestant. My victory here will surely secure her good graces, he pondered.

Unfortunately he should have changed his name from Asgarth the Invincible to Asgarth the Vincible, for the other fighters were a lot stronger and better at fighting than he, who was soon lying in the dust of the arena, covered in bruises and blood. “This is bullshit,” he growled, spitting sand out of his mouth.

After he recovered from his wounds, Asgarth advanced upon the royal castle inside Sargoth. “I desire to speak unto the Lady Kaeteli,” he explained to the guard at the front gate.

“She isn’t interested,” the guard countered.

Asgarth shuffled away in anger. “This is bullshit,” he muttered, heading for the tavern, where he might drown his misfortunes. This wasn’t how he had imagined the adventuring life at all.

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter VI

In the royal city of Sargoth, the gabled roofs of whom thrust high into the air like the spires of mighty buildings, Asgarth heard that King Ragnar was holding a great feast in celebration of his victory over the Swadian foe. Luckily it was surprisingly easy to walk through the front gate of the castle and join the great nobles of the land in their revelry, which is what Asgarth did.

At the head of the table was King Ragnar, bedecked in ermine and clad in furs and sleeves of silk, his crown glistening upon his head.

“Mighty king,” proclaimed Asgarth, bowing. “I come to offer you my sword as your loyal vassal.”

“No thanks,” promulgated King Ragnar. “I don’t need your help right now.”

This is bullshit, muttered Asgarth, but under his breath so as not to cause offence. Across the room he saw Jarl Harald, whom he approached. “It is I, Asgarth the Invincible, my lord. Sorry I failed thee before. Mightest thou have another task for me?”

“No,” uttered Harald, but Asgarth did not hear. His eyes had been caught by a vision of beauty beside Jarl Harald. It was the Lady Kaeteli, Jarl Harald’s daughter, the most renowned beauty in the kingdom.

Her hair was flaxen blond, her cheeks like porcelain with a taint of rose, her lips full and sensuous like a blossom on a sweltering summer’s day, her neck graceful and soft like a swan.

“Alas, my heart is slain,” mouthed Asgarth to himself. “For on this day I have met the fair maiden whom I shall one day make my betrothed.”

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter V

Asgarth hung around the mighty clash of armies for a while, curious to see who would get the upper hand. Reinforcements rushed from both sides, Nord and Swadian noblemen and common soldiers alike rushing to die horribly in the name of their respective kings. Eventually, after what seemed like an eternity of pain and senseless slaughter, the Swadian invaders broke and ran to the south.

“Hurrah!” rejoiced Asgarth, wishing he had been allowed to join in like the hero he truly was.

He rode down into the field of battle, now strewn with the detritus of battle, broken men and horses, limbs and body parts scattered across the grass and shrubs like confetti after a particularly violent wedding, the cries of injured and dying men a perverse chorus to the bride that was Death and her husband, Lamentation.

Not far distant he espied the banner of Jarl Gundur, a great noble of the north. “Hail ye well met,” Asgarth announced as he rode unto him. “I am Asgarth the Invincible, sire, an adventurer come to this land in search of fame and glory. Hast thou need of such a man in your war-band?”

“My losses this day were terrible indeed,” enunciated Gundur, shaking his weary head in a tired fashion, surveying the corpse-encrusted land before him. “Aye, I will take thee under my banner, Asgarth the Invincible.”


Thus did Asgarth join Gundur’s war-band.

Pausing only to bury the dead, Gundur’s force betook itself from the field of slaughter, heading into the Swadian borderlands. For three days and nights they rode back and forth, from town to village, but nobody would tell Asgarth what they were looking for.

On the fourth day still nothing had happened. Asgarth had joined a war-band expecting to see some war, not so he could have a horse-holiday with a group of sweaty men. “This is bullshit,” he muttered, and left Gundur’s war-band for the direction of the royal city of Sargoth, where he had been heading in the first place before all this bullshit happened.

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter IV

Far did Asgarth ride to the east, through the great forests of the northern lands, unto the royal city of Sargoth. But hardly had he reached the great bridge over the river of K’Lód leading towards that city when he did espy in the distance a mighty battle underway, many hundreds of banners fluttering in the breeze like flags, cries of death and slaughter carried upon the wind like birdsong to his warrior-ears.

“At last,” he gasped, “the Swadian king has invaded this kingdom! Perhaps now I can prove my mettle!” He spurred his flaxen mount onwards, roaring a battle cry.

Ten minutes later he stopped roaring because his throat was sore, and the battle was much farther away than he had thought. He cantered a while longer and came upon some troops of Jarl Reamold, ready to enter the fray.

“Hello”, Asgarth greeted them. “May I join you in this noble carnage?”

“No,” they said.

“Why not?”

“Because,” they snarled, and galloped off into the riot of violence unfurling in the distance.

“This is bullshit,” grumbled Asgarth.

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter III

An epic battle along the dirt road of the village ensued, but unfortunately the murderer was a lot stronger and better at fighting than Asgarth, who was soon left unconscious in the street. When he awoke, covered in his own blood, the murdered had fled far, no man knew whither. “This is bullshit,” muttered Asgarth, dusting himself off.

Mounting his steed, Asgarth heading back across the hills to seek out Jarl Harald and deliver unto him the fateful tidings. As he passed the royal city of Sargoth, he was set upon once again by sea raiders.

In moments he was in chains once more. “This is bullshit,” he muttered as the sea raiders dragged him around the country for two days. Eventually, seeing his chance, he escaped their clutches, took his horse and continued anew upon his quest.

He came to the presence of Jarl Harald. “I have failed thee,” he commiserated. “The killer is escaped.”

“That is a disappointment,” said Jarl Harald.

“Hast thou perhaps another quest by which I might prove my mettle?”

Jarl Harald thought a moment. “No,” he said.

“This is bullshit,” muttered Asgarth as he walked away. He would just have to find another lord, again.

Mount and Blade fan fic

Apparently I'm not the first person to attempt Mount & Blade fan fiction. I found this example on a forum.

Sharow stood on the hill looking down at the field of battle. She watched the river of blood draining down the valley wondering if it was enough to drown those few still alive. She wished there moans and screams would soon be silenced so she could think.The thought didn't even take her by surprise. So few of her men had fallen that none of those pain filled voices could come from any one but those who had tried to kill her. She never wished pain on anyone but nor did she feel the need to be sorry for those who brought it on them selves.

"A grate victory" the voice cut across her thoughts and she looked up to see nazir "you must have been deep in though to let me sneak up on you like that" he finished seeing the look in her eyes. She silently reprimanded her self before smiling back up at the man.

"Yes" she said "I don't think even you expected this when you signed on" none of us did she thought as he sat down next to her.

"Maybe not this but i could see you where going to lead us to grate things" he paused looking up at her as she sat to join him "just how grate remains to be seen"

Epic.

Asgarth the Invincible: Chapter II

Asgarth delivered the letter and returned to Jarl Harald later that day. “I have completed the quest upon which you had set it upon me to complete,” enunciated Asgarth, bowing to his new liege-lord. “What fresh task might I accomplish in your name?”

“There is a murderer loose,” said Jarl Harald, stroking his long fair beard. “I charge you to hunt him down for me and do unto him the justice he deserves.”

This is a bit more like it, thought Asgarth. At least I might get to kill someone. He mounted up and set off across the dry-sunned expanse of rolling grasslands that is the Kingdom of the Nords. If I complete this task, he considered, perhaps Jarl Harald will take me into his warband and I could see some real adventuring instead of all this bullshit.

Not half a day-length had Asgarth ridden when he was set upon by sea raiders, roaming the country in search of victims. “Halt, knave!” the lead sea raider expressed.

Before Asgarth knew what was happening, he was overpowered and cast in chains. “This is bullshit,” he muttered as the sea raiders dragged him around the country for two days. Eventually, seeing his chance, he escaped their clutches, took his horse and continued anew upon his quest.

As night fell he came to the village whither the murderer was said to have fled. “Hail ye,” Asgarth announced towards the village elder as he rode into the village, recognising the village elder by his long white beard. “I seek a murderer who is hiding among you.”

“It’s dark,” said the village elder. “Come back when it’s day.”

“This is bullshit,” roared Asgarth, but withdrew and camped outside the village. He tried to read the only book in his possession but couldn’t work out how. At dawn he re-entered into the village. “Hail ye,” Asgarth announced towards the village elder again. “I seek a murderer who is hiding among you.”

“He’s probably skulking around here somewhere,” said the village elder. Whereupon Asgarth investigated a cabbage patch behind a house, which is where he had learned murderers tended to conceal themselves. Sure enough he found a murderer. “I mean to bring you to justice,” Asgarth snarled, drawing his sword.

The Adventures of Asgarth the Invincible

I just got hold of an amazing new game called Mount & Blade: Warband. It's basically the perfect game for every 14 year old boy who ever dreamed of donning a loin cloth and becoming Conan the Barbarian.

This is the official blurb:

In a land torn asunder by incessant warfare, it is time to assemble your own band of hardened warriors and enter the fray. Lead your men into battle, expand your realm, and claim the ultimate prize: the throne of Calradia!

Sounds fun, I thought, so I entered the fray. Unfortunately the game strives towards a certain level of difficulty and realism (no magic, thank god), so it's turning out to be a humbling experience for my heroic alter-ego, Asgarth the Invincible. To make myself less guilty about playing a video game I've decided to chronicle his valiant efforts to achieve fame and fortune.

*

The Adventures of Asgarth the Invincible

Chapter I

Asgarth the Invincible, heir to the throne of Azoria, had come to the Kingdom of the Nords to seek high adventure and low romance, not to waste his time loitering outside an empty castle. “This is bullshit,” he muttered.

There was nothing for it but to ride back across the stupid Kingdom of the Nords in search of a lord who couldn’t even be bothered to stay in his own stupid castle. Asgarth mounted his mount and spurred it back across the grassy steppes of the north. A whole day wasted. This is bullshit, he thought. It’s as bullshitty as that time I came out of the tavern in the royal city of Sargoth and saw that my horse had disappeared. This is even more bullshit than that.

At length, as the flaming orblet of the sun completed yet another weary day-course, Asgarth came upon a large conglomeration of behorsed lance-warriors. He recognised the banner of Jarl Harald, one of the mightiest nobility of the Nords. Unfazed, he arode to the head of the column and saluted Jarl Harald. Perhaps this lord will take me into his service instead, he mused. “I am Asgarth the Invincible, noble adventurer. What would you have of me, my lord?”

Jarl Harald gazed him up and down. “Aye, I have a quest for thee, Asgarth,” he betoned. He reached into his jerkin and pulled out something. “Deliver this letter for me.”

This is bullshit, muttered Asgarth in his mind. But he took the letter and stuffed it in his pocket. “I will complete this quest for you, my liege; I will brave the loftiest peaks of the Vaegir Kingdom, the broadest deserts of the south, until this blessed token rests in the hands of him to whom it is intended.”

With these words he turned his mount, his valiant hair flowing in the freshing breeze, and betook himself across the plain.

Bromsgrove Folk Festival 2010

I popped over to the folk festival on Thursday and Saturday, mostly to offer moral support to various friends and siblings. And to take random photos of stage equipment.

Apparently Abi, Gem, Noel and I have also been volunteered to form a pure Clay supergroup to play at the local folk club. That's fine with me, but I only play Uncle Tupelo covers. Regardless of what everyone else in the band is playing.

A word from my hero

Chris Hedges, a voice in the wilderness (literally this time).