Scene: Morrison's checkout. I am packing my purchases. A woman is walking in a nearby aisle with a little dog in a green body warmer.
Man in checkout queue: Look, that lady's brought a dog inside. She's not allowed to do that, is she?
Checkout lady: I don't think so. [presses buzzer to summon reinforcements]
Woman with dog: It's all right, I'm allowed, I'm deaf. [exit]
Me: It's a hearing dog.
Man in checkout queue: A what dog?
Checkout lady: Oh, a hearing dog. I've heard of them.
Man in checkout queue: A hearing dog? How does that work then?
Me: They teach it to speak.
Man in checkout queue: [ponders this idea for a moment] I like it. So long as it's not a female dog.
Me: Ouch! [exit]
I like a bit of old-school misogyny when I go to the supermarket. Now I think about it, though, it wouldn't do much good to teach a hearing dog to speak, would it? There was a funny sketch about this years ago by the Not the Nine O'Clock News team. I couldn't find it on YouTube, so here's another sketch instead.
What's that smell? Oh it's the shit coming out of your mouth.
ReplyDeleteWho was wearing the green body warmer, the dog or the woman? Just trying to picture the scene.......
ReplyDeleteIt was the dog, and it was actually a red body warmer, I remembered wrong. It's the hearing dog uniform.
ReplyDeleteI like your rendition of the scene in the supermarket - it's like Alan Bennett. Though if you could fit more in about the crushing pointlessness of northern life and end the scene with, 'I was going to explain, but I didn't say anything', then I would like it more. You may have also uncovered a new comedy talent in your local supermarket. He could appear on the new TV show 'Britain's Got Prejudice'.
ReplyDelete