Rotherham Revisited

As I'm still out of sorts and have no more to tell of Vienna than that which I observe while prone upon my floor, I have recovered and reposted an old blog entry from 16 December 2006, in part because Vlad, in a commendable effort to save as many people as possible from the pain of experiencing Rotherham at first hand, is presently leading an online tour of his home town.

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They order, said I, this matter better in Rotherham--You have been to Rotherham? quoth my manservant, turning quick upon me with the most civil triumph in the world.

Of course I struck the bounder soundly across his chin with my cane for his impudence, & as his unconscious form crumpled to the floor like a discarded pair of breeches, I thought to myself, Well, surely t'would be a fine thing to visit the place, tho' it be some hours distant--& despite the clouds of foulness which I saw daily at the southern end of Precentor's Court, above the pigeon-coop of the Dean's town house, disgorg'd, no doubt, by the unfortunate burg itself--One ought, I mused further, bear a stout mind in the face of such evil.

So in a matter of minutes I had embark'd by steam-locomotive with two gentlemen friends of mine, worthy fellows & solid companions. Is it, quoth Mr. McKibbin, one of the pair, the case that in Rotherham the sun is render'd quite invisible to the human eye?--Nay, replied Mr. Wilson, Esq., the third of our number, 'Tis not so--for when t'were, t'would be that denizens of Rotherham would be as pasty & wan as geese; &, as is quite often observ'd, they are known abroad by their ruddy & sun-burned complexion. Aye, said Mr. McKibbin, but 'tis also true, Sir--as I have often observ'd of my own labourers--that the wind can render one's face most rough & uncouth without the aid of the sun. To which answer'd Mr. Wilson, Esq., It is so; perhaps one best recognizes a Rotherhamite by his uncouth gait and shifting eyes.

With such banter did we pass the journey; I--for the most part—watched the green fields slowly give way to great mountains of ash, piles of rusty, long-dead industry & endless stretches of ruin'd abodes, such as one imagines are inhabited by the sorry spectres of Hell itself.

Upon arrival in Rotherham we were approach'd by a crudely-featured, dwarf-like creature which introduced itself as Alexander, & promised us an insightful & illuminating tour of the town, should we deign him worthy of a half-shilling; which--following some conference-being agreed, we took the sorry fellow into our service.

Our guide first led us to the market of the town, where he said--& though to render his gutteral speech into English would be an offense to that noble tongue, I shall capture the tone & temper of his words as best I can--In t'olden days, t'market were t'bigger than t'day; an' all t'folk used to come righ' longways to barter and sell t'wares; ee by gum, them were t'days; now us folks mostly come 'ere to kick us faces in an' take smack be'ind t'fish counter.

Our guide's informations had left poor Mr. McKibbin in a state of some distress & confusion, worsen'd, indeed, by his severe aversion to crowds & to common people in general; we thus hasten'd our guide & left said place of barter.

Whereupon we saw the Rotherham Central Library & Arts Centre, the most accomplish'd architecture of the town by common account; -By my word, said Mr. Wilson, Esq., looking over the edifice with dubious eye, Why, 'tis the very image of San Giorgio Maggiore in Venice; do you not agree, Mr. McKibbin? -Why--said the other, having recover'd from his previous disposition--I do believe you are right; one would scarcely imagine that such a treaure could be hidden away in so secluded and hostile a place.

Having cast due appreciation upon the stately dwelling-place of the Muses, our surly guide led us atop a small hill, where we entered a museum devoted to curiosities & antiquities; I have precious little stomach for such distractions, being of a naturally delicate and refin'd nature; & so it was with some horror that mine eyes fell upon a glass case containing a six-legged feline; in retreat, I blunder'd into a large bear--tied to a post, I saw with no little relief--& narrowly avoided its gaping maw and claws, of no mean size. Mr. Wilson, Esq., showing remarkable fortitude--no doubt acquired during his many years as a bear-trainer on the Russian Steppes--stood beside the beast & treated it with such gentleness as t'were a yapping mongrel or starling.

At once the poor creature shut its jaw and bow'd its great head with remarkable grace. I can't get out, declared the bear, - I can't get out, straining at its chains; - God help thee! said Mr. Wilson, Esq., But I'll let thee out, cost what it will; & with that he set about pulling apart the chains which were denying the gentle creature its liberty. In an instant they were broken; the beast, with a great roar, lumber'd from the room towards freedom; which affectionate sight was follow'd almost at once by screams of delight & surprise from Liberty's citizens.

We betook ourselves from the scene with some pleasure, not wishing to trespass on the happiness of others; -Our work here is done, quoth Mr. Wilson, Esq., to which I laughed in agreement, & Mr. McKibbin likewise.

There was little else with which to occupy ourselves once we had traversed the Market, admired the Library & set a bear at liberty; -Fare well, stout Guide, said I once we had return'd to the station, & furnish'd our loyal companion with a half-shilling.

-Nay, said Mr. McKibbin, but look you upon him; why, by his very visage and posture one sees the wicked mockery of Nature, the belly of misfortune, so to speak, whence comes little but s-, if you will forgive my crudity; pray grace the fellow's palm with another half-shilling, for he has served us dutifully & will no doubt suffer for the want of it within a fortnight.

-Give him not a farthing! declared Mr. Wilson, Esq., hitting our guide with some force about the temple. -The fellow is surly & unpleasant to gaze at, &, as you know--& know we did--life has little to recommend it but what Beauty offers; & this fellow offers nothing, but indeed taketh away, as is oftentimes said of the Devil himself. Go therefore! cried Mr. Wilson, Esq., to our unfortunate sometime servant, -Go, take your penny, & spend it on vice you neither deserve nor can afford; else--by G-!--I shall dash your brains upon the pavement with my billy-club.

Our guide fled in much distress, clutching his precious half-shilling; & with a tear I saw him depart, for I consider'd him a fellow most hard done by in the world--But such compassion is a weakness of mine, gentle reader; for well I know that the poor & ignorant are to punish'd in their faults, not encourag'd in them; -And though both I & Mr. McKibbin were for a short time out of temper with Mr. Wilson, Esq., for his brusqueness of manner, he was soon forgiven; & with light hearts we boarded the train & bade Rotherham a lusty adieu!